A Mom and More

Sibling rivalry is jealousy, competition and hostility between brothers and sisters which manifests itself in common children’s family fights to more serious, permanent enmity between adult siblings. It is a concern for almost all parents of two or more kids and it often starts right after (or even before) the birth of a second child.

Sibling rivalry is a complex problem and is rooted in nature. The problem is basically a competition for limited and scare resources. Animals of the same species may fight with each other for food until one manages to kill or drive the other out, leaving the winner with the exclusive use for food in the area. In human families, siblings compete not just for food but time, attention, love and approval from their parents.

I had to expect sibling rivalry and my concerned pediatrician Dra. Leoncia Firmalo explained it well to me when I gave birth to Aon and then to Aei after just 11 ½ months. I wanted to have at least a baby boy and a baby girl when I got married; so, I haven’t been as conscious as other friends about birth spacing and sibling rivalry. I paid little attention to the fact that researchers agreed 2 1/2 to 3 years between births is best for the mother and her children and for the couple as well. Having married at almost 29, I thought my time was short to meet my target family size that I will just have to manage the inevitable sibling rivalry issue.

My kids Aon and Aei are now 20 and 21 years old, respectively, and they’ve gone through a lot of fights as kids and teeners; they are quite close to each other now. I thought it would be nice to share some mom’s notes on sibling rivalry — for young parents who surely feel anxious, stressed, and frustrated watching and hearing their children tattle and fight with one another over little things.

What causes sibling rivalry?

- Basic drives for attention, power and possessions as:

- when young children aggressively compete for their parents’ attention (during the earliest days of the younger child’s life when the first-born child experiences a dethronement);

- when they compete for dominance (like when younger siblings compete by being smarter, more athletic or musical than older, bigger children);

- when they fight over belongings, toys and territories/places at home.

- Birth spacing. When there is little space between one child and the next, two children will need the same kind of care and attention at one time. A child who is still too young (say 2 years old) will not understand and respond to a new baby’s arrival reasonably and will tend to respond with negative emotions or jealousy. Children born closer to each other may tend to fight over minor things since the older child has difficulty establishing his separation from the new sibling. (Am just glad that Aon was a boy and Aei was a girl and the strain between them as siblings minimized because they had different predispositions. I just couldn’t imagine how it would have been parenting them since they had practically the same interests as toddlers till now: soft cuddly toys, moving toys, pogs, cards, books, miniature anime collectibles, Gameboys, Playstations, computers, iPods, cameras, and graphic arts.)

- Unequal amounts of parents’ attention, discipline, and responsiveness. Siblings almost always compare themselves and are quick to detect any discrepancies, whether real or imagined, in the way parents treat them.

- Evolving needs of children (as they go through different developmental stages in life) affect how well they can share parents’ attention and get along with each other. Our kids’ changing needs, anxieties, and identities affect how they relate to one another. They compete in a myriad of ways to define who they are as individuals: with their own talents, interests and activities.

For example, toddlers are naturally protective of their toys and learning to assert themselves, so if a baby brother/sister picks up the toddler’s toy, the older child would surely react aggressively.

Another case: school-age kids often have a strong concept of fairness and equality, so they may not understand why siblings of other ages are treated differently from them. In the case of teenagers developing a sense of individuality and independence, they might resent helping with household responsibilities especially taking care of younger siblings or even having to spend time together with their siblings and the family.

- Individual temperaments of children (including mood, disposition, and adaptability) and their unique personalities play a large role on how well they get along. For example, if one child is laid back and another is easily rattled, they may often fight. Similarly, a child who is especially clingy and drawn to parents for comfort and love may be resented by siblings who observe this and crave for the same amount of parental attention.

- Special needs of kids. Children who are hungry, bored or tired are more likely to start fights with their siblings. Further, when parents give more time to a child’s special needs due to illness, disabilities, learning or emotional issues, other kids may pick up on this disparity and act out to get attention. Stress in children’s lives can also shorten their fuses and create conflict with siblings.

- Family dynamics. Kids usually fight and resolve conflicts the way they see their parents do it as role models. If parents shout, slam doors and argue loudly, children will tend react to each other in the same way. Children will fight more with each other in families where there is no understanding that fighting is not an acceptable way to resolve conflicts.

We know that our children’s natural selfishness gives rise to most rivalrous sibling relationships. As parents, overreacting to such competition can do more harm than good but ignoring it won’t helpful either. Most parents tend to react with passive noninterference or they simply tell their children to stop fighting (which is not too good since this merely prevents the children from expressing and learning about their emotions and may actually prolong their rivalry into adulthood). A more effective and recommended approach is for parents to model positive behavior in their adult relationships for their children to emulate when conflicts arise and need to be resolved with their siblings. No matter how hard we try, we may not totally eliminate all sibling rivalries but we could definitely take steps to limit jealousy and excessive competition which would bar our children from loving each other as siblings should.

I will tell you next blog how I and other parents tackled this complex problem of sibling rivalry whose negative effects may permeate through generations of our families if unchecked.