How to Deal with Sibling rivalry
Sibling rivalry is normal for all families. It may even have benefits in the long-run since it teaches our children two basic lessons in life which they need to apply in their social interactions as they become adults: first, that life is full of conflicts and they have to be resolved; and second, that life is full of inequities and the world is not fair.
As our children fight with each other, with our guidance, they learn conflict resolution skills which will enable them to effectively deal with their peers, friends and future spouses. Sibling rivalry also helps our children accept the reality that there will always be someone greater (and lesser), smarter, richer, brighter than them since each one is unique and born to have his own place in the world.
Here’s what we can do as parents to prevent or minimize sibling rivalry:
Prepare for the coming of a new sibling:
1. Even before a new baby is born, begin early to include older children in preparing for the new baby (by giving them a chance to help set up nursery, shop for baby stuff, listen to baby’s heartbeat) and to convince older children about how important they are in caring for their new baby brother or sister.
2. Make an older child feel important. You may involve older children in the care of an infant under close adult supervision. For example, let a toddler take used diapers to a waste pail while praising her for being big and no longer needing diapers or ask him/her for suggestions on how to stop the baby from crying, etc.
3. Praise your older children (especially toddlers) often when visitors come to visit and play with the baby. Giving an older child/toddler an inexpensive present whenever the baby recieves one would make dethronement for the older sibling more manageable.
4. Move a toddler to a new bed or room in advance, so the change is not associated with the new baby or rejection may result.
5. Give the older child time to get used to a new nanny who will look after him/her while mom is away at the hospital or while she needs full time care of her newborn.
Be their coach, not their rescuer nor judge.
1. Let children work out their fights by themselves. Don’t get involved when you see siblings fighting unless there is a risk of physical harm. When parents jump into sibling spats, they often protect one child (usually the younger sibling) against the other (usually the older one). This escalates the conflict because the older child resents the younger, and the younger feels that he can get away with more since the parent is on his side. If we always get involved, they may think that we are always around to rescue them than allow them to resolve their fights amicably. As a rescuer, we make one child feel protected unduly while the other saved from his misdoings – further aggravating resentment between siblings.
2. Stop dangerous/violent fights immediately by separating the children. When they have calmed down, talk about what happened and make it very clear that no violence is ever allowed. Show them alternatives to fighting like walking away, negotiating or compromising.
3 Coach children by giving them reminders when a fight is about to start or tools on how to compromise when they can’t work things out. Make sure the compromise is reasonable and reached without bullying or coercion. While many people believe children should never witness their parents fighting, a healthy disagreement between adults can teach children not only how to resolve the conflict but also how to express their feelings, treat others with respect and manage anger without shouting, hair-pulling, biting or violence.
4. Do not investigate on who started the fight since both are usually at fault. Attempting to find out who the aggressor is may make things worse. Hold children equally responsible for a fight. Ask them to listen to each other’s side.
5. Model to them how they could be menders and not breakers of relationships so that they could creatively handle conflicts and balance their feelings. If it is obvious who the aggressor and victim are, give attention to the victim and consequences to the aggressor. Encourage win-win negotiations where each side gains something.
6. Do not be constantly angry at your kids; else, they will also be angry at each other. Anger feeds on itself. Learn to manage your anger.
7. Be sensitive for a child who avoids conflict by nature or one who is always the good one or who always gives in. It might make him a prey to be exploited while the other abuses his sibling’s good nature. Both should mutually benefit from a compromise.
8. When a fight is over. Use positive reinforcement. When you see good behavior or cooperation in your children, praise them or give them rewards, stickers, a warm hug. However, if a child misbehaves, give age-appropriate punishments as withholding game privileges or grounding him from watching TV.
Set ground rules for children to follow.
Tell children exactly what is expected of them to get along (for example, no hitting, or name calling). For teenagers, parents may write out and post rules.
Be there for each child.
1. Spend some one-on-one time with each kid on a regular basis, at least a few minutes daily. You’d be surprised how. It’s amazing how much even just 10 minutes of uninterrupted one-on-one time can mean to your child.
2. When you are alone with each child, ask them what they like most and least about each brother and sister. This will help you keep tabs on their relationships and prevent fights from brewing.
3. Listen to how your children feel about what’s going on in the family. They may not be so demanding if they know you care about how they feel.
Don’t compare children; treat each child uniquely (not necessarily equally).
1. Treat each child uniquely according to his/her needs and temperament. Help him/her discover and develop unique talents and overcome weaknesses. Express to children that they are uniquely loved like: “You and Aaron are very different and I love that about you. You’re you and he’s Aaron, and you’re both special to me. I like you for wanting to do everything on your own just as much as I like Aaron for being focused on what he wants to do.”
2. Don’t bring up good and bad things about one child to the other. Give compliments directly to the affected child by describing how you feel “I’m so happy to see your high grades” and call for action or better behavior (without compelling, ordering or commanding) “I need you to study your lessons better next time.”
3. Never show preference or favoritism (though it’s normal to have some liking or preference) — it creates more rivalry among siblings. If we lavish our favorite with praises and nice things while ignoring our less-favored child, a child’s suspicions that he/she is/is not the favorite. He would act accordingly.
5. Avoid labeling children or forcing them into roles, like if one is always quiet and shy, do not acknowledge it in front of them or the child will acquire that label. Or if one is always clumsy ignore it so you don’t reinforce that tendency.
6. Explain to your children why a brother/sister needs a disproportionate amount of your time, attention and resources as when a child is ill. You may even get them involved in helping their sick sibling.
Have special family meetings to bond with each other.
1. Family meetings allow family members to make family decisions and choices by working together. These meetings aim to recognize that everyone’s opinion makes a difference, help build cooperation and responsibility, and tend to reduce the likelihood of anger and rebellion.
2. Listen to grievances aired during family times.
This list is not all-encompassing. As moms, feel free to make up your own parenting strategies for resolving sibling rivalry. You know your children more than anyone else on earth.
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As usual, another great advice. You write from the heart and you speak from the perspective of someone who has experienced these things and applied these techniques. Again, thank you very much.
My little brother is sometimes annoying, he gets mad at me sometimes, he hates girls and older girls, does not get along with my friends including my best friend, likes a certain thing and hates it the next day or so, thinks certain school subject is boring and stupid, shows no respect towards adults, hates certain foods, has a mind of his own, always have things his way, and bullies people on television including singers. He says negative things about singers on t.v. When it comes to female singers, he starts to say his negative opinion about them. He’ll say “She is a bad singer or she is ugly or bad opinions about their looks. Can you help me with this problem? I just want this to end.
As an older sibling, I believe you have the right and the obligation to call his attention about his wrongdoings so that he can improve; to assert yourself and demand for respect; and to serve as a role model of give behavior to your little brother.
Also, alert your mom and dad about about your little brother’s misbehaviors; they could surely help you improve your relationship with your little brother in due time. Am curious: how young is your brother?
thank you thank you i am a single mom and i was ready to pull my hair out and theirs.
Making an older child feel important is vital. He or she may feel that his importance is fading as more attention are put into the new sibling. A balance of attention is needed, however tough it can be.