A Mom and More

At Sunday Mass today, I was prompted to think about how I disciplined my kids. In relation to the Gospel about how our Lord disciplined his people, Fr. JBoy asked who were disciplined by spanking? by grounding? and lastly by withdrawal of privileges? My daughter Aei shook her head for each of these choices and inquisitively looked at me for a reply (as to how I disciplined them); she couldn’t help asking but just stated “si Papa lang naalala kong pumalo sa amin ni kuya? (It was just dad who spanked us?)” I wouldn’t say I was caught unprepared for an answer which seemed simple yet required some on-the-spot recollection about a distant past. I had to blurt out “mabait ka naman kaya hindi ko maalala na kinailangan mo ng disciplinary measure. At saka, style ko magdadaldal lagi kaya alam niyo na ang gusto at ano naman magpapagalit sa akin. E, dahil mabait ka, sumusunod ka na lang.” (You are a good girl so I didn’t have a need for too much disciplinary measures on you. Also, it was always my style to be talking much that you already knew beforehand what I like and what makes me mad. You were obedient.) Perhaps for Aei that was all I needed to say since we were at mass and would be disturbing others if I pursued our talk further.

On our way home, I couldn’t help but look back at what I did and didn’t do (discipline-wise) when she and my eldest (son Aon) were kids. I am sure I disciplined them in distinct ways at different times during their growing years and I have to remember now (and write while my memory’s good) so that I’ll have something to share with them when they come to me for discipline tips when they have children of their own (though this may be in a still remote future).

Here are my thoughts and some tips.

1.Use different techniques for different ages.

Before the terrible (age) 2s or from the time my kids were infants and toddlers who crawled, roved around and learned to climb, I recall my mom telling me to accept that: a) I would either have a lot of souvenirs, books, decors and other things damaged if I do not keep them out of reach from my kids; b) I would have to tire myself watching all their moves (which isn’t possible since I was a working mom, c) I would have to always say “huwag ka pupunta diyan” (don’t go there), “ huwang mong gagalawin ‘yan (don’t touch that)”, “magagalit si mommy/papa (mom/dad will get angry)” or “no” or d) I could get angry uselessly. At this tender age, what I did was to keep out of sight/reach and in proper storage precious things which may interest my young ones. When they had tantrums, hit each other or threw things, I “toddler-level” talked about the wrongdoing (as if they understood) and explained what a good boy/girl should do.

As kids mature, they learn to understand the connection between actions and consequences. It is essential that we set concise, specific and fair rules, impose punishments for wrongdoings and give rewards and praises for good deeds – appropriate to their age and development levels. When my kids were 3 to 5 years old, we told them that they are not allowed to write or draw on the walls, on table tops, on their story books or other surfaces aside from their drawing/coloring book, black board, scratch paper and pad; otherwise, they’ll have to erase what they’ve written (which is almostimpossible) or won’t get any new crayons and pencils to use. I have a friend who gives his child a “time-out” when his child misbehaves. The time-out involves physically removing his child from a problem situation: sending the child to a neutral and boring area as the corner of a room with no toys or television and ignoring him/her until he/she is calm and quiet. One minute of time-out per year of life is a good rule of thumb he has adopted with his kids.

Elementary school is a good time to teach our kids to be responsible for themselves. It was a home rule for my kidsto do their homework before playing, eating dinner or going to sleep. Occasionally, it would have been a lot easier to do their homeworks (just to make sure they pass in school) but we didn’t, else, we would have missed the chance of teaching them to discipline themselves or takes the consequences (a lower grade, in this case).

From age 13 up, with the groundwork for discipline laid out, we just had to set more relevant rules about doing homework, staying out of home after school, additional cash expenses, appropriate language and extracurricular activities. Misbehaving was punished through grounding or withdrawal of some privileges as when we disallowed playing card games for our son when his grades took a plunge.

2.Set consistent, clear, concise and fair rules as a family.

We just can’t have a rule for one day and break it next day. This makes it important for us to agree with our spouses about how we should discipline our kids (even if doing so initially creates an argument between mom and dad).I recall when my spouse allowed watching good TV programs past the kids’ bedtime while I didn’t. As expected, the kids had difficulty waking up the next day.With this loophole, theyobeyed me and didn’t watch late TV programswhen their father wasn’t home but still got their way withlate night TV time when dad was home — simply by creating an argument between me and their dad.To remedy this disciplining bug, my husband and I hadto compromise and agree on a doable practice and a unified stand on TV time to reduce the confusion on the kids and facilitate following house rules .

3.Commit yourself.

Our children have to know that we mean what we say. We have to be careful about making unrealistic threats of punishment or withdrawal of privileges which we can not act on. For example, when our kids squabble at the backseat while we were about to go to the mall and we tell them that we will go home if they don’t stop, we should do as we say or we will have less credibility the nexttime we ask them to behave.

4.Be realistic about punishments.

Punishments may take away our power as parents, say,if you ground your son or daughter for a month, your child may not feel motivated to change behavior because everything has already been taken away him or her.When my son was too obsessed playing the card game Magic the Gathering that he almost failed in school, my husband reached his tolerance limit and punished my son by burning his whole box of prized and very rare card collection (without my son’s knowledge).To this day, I can recall the anger and frustration my husband and son had for each other because of this disciplinary move (which wasn’t just a withdrawal but total deprivation); they lived in cold hostility for several days. My husband had to rid of my son’s valuable cards (his currency at that time) to control his misbehavior. Guess who had to yield and mellow down?

5.Be positive.

Discipline isn’t just about punishment but it is also about giving rewards and praises to our children for good deeds and improved behavior.When we praise our children, we have to be specific about good action done so that we can positively reinforce the behavior. See how much better it is to say “I’m happy that you remembered to put your soiled clothes in the hamper today” instead of just stating “Good boy/girl!l”

6.No spanking, hitting or slapping a child at any age.

Spanking only inflicts pain and physical harm on children. It teaches our kids that it is OK to hurt someone when they are angry. Instead of teaching kids to alter their behavior, spanking makes kids fearful of their parents and teaches them to avoid getting caught misbehaving than to correct the wrong behavior. It may even inadvertently reward younger children just seeking attention as spanking is seen as better than no attention at all.

I resolved not to spank when I became a mom (not only because it was one of the don’t tips from my senior parent-friends) but because I had negative memories about being spanked by my dad when I was a kid.

7.Discipline with love as the Lord disciplines us.

It doesn’t make us (parents) feel good to punish our children at all. But because we love them, we have to discipline them for their own sake — to mold them into upright and responsible adults. Whenever we have to punish our kids for misbehaving, we should make them realize that it is their behavior and NOT them whom we condemn. It becomes almost impossible to tell them “I love you just as you are; I know you can do better next time” (or anything to this effect) without being corny or plastic to them after a scolding, a time-out or a withdrawal of privileges but we should try. If we become speechless momentarily, then a kiss, a hug or even a pat on the shoulder can be an effective closure to convey our love which overrides the disciplining we had to impose.

Disciplining children is one of our major roles as parents and for sure, we can only discipline them if they see us disciplining ourselves as well. Mom, do it!